A brief catalogue of solutions to Newcomb's Problem

The One-Boxer: “Take only box B.”

The Two-Boxer: “Take both boxes.”

The Dialetheist: “Take only box B and take both boxes.”

The Fundamentalist Teenager: “Until we’re married, take only box A.”

The G.E. Moore: “Here is £500,000. Here is another £500,000. Therefore, take only box B.”

The Schroedinger: “Take only box B, but never open it.”

The Radical Skeptic: “What boxes?”

The Rational Skeptic: “When I appeared alongside this so-called “predictor” on Larry King Live, I invited it to take my One Million Dollar Paranormal Challenge, and it accepted. Unfortunately, when I approached it after the show to arrange a date, it made a quick exit without responding to me, and my subsequent attempts to contact it have all been ignored.”

The Modal Realist: “In some possible world, you take both boxes and receive £1,001,000.”

The Talking Heads: “And you may find yourself taking both boxes. And you may say to yourself, MY GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE?!”

The Behaviourist: “I can see that you’re keen on two-boxing; how do I feel about it?”

The Humean: “One box or two boxes? I prefer to just scratch my finger.”

The Nihilist: “Vere iz dat money, Lebowski? Ve vant da money, Lebowski! Ya zink ve are kidding?!”

The Neutrino Physicist: “Take two boxes. Then do the same again another hundred trillion trillion times.”

The Heisenberg: “I worked out exactly what’s in box B, but now I have no idea where it is.”

The Penn & Teller: “This time, we’ll do Newcomb’s problem with both boxes transparent!” [Naturally you take two boxes, but as you leave you notice that the all the money has disappeared from both of them.]

The Timothy Leary: “Take all three boxes.”

The Kaczynski: “Run away from box B.”

The Donald: “We’re gonna open boxes, okay? Because I know boxes. I have the best boxes. Tremendous boxes. We’re gonna open so many boxes, you’re gonna get sick of opening boxes. Believe me, I’ve opened boxes many times. Look, having boxes - my uncle, good genes, very smart, okay, very smart - he opened so many boxes, you wouldn’t believe it. Crooked Hillary, she couldn’t open even one box – it’s true, it’s true. Lots of people are saying that. Sad!”

The John Cage: “Music for Two Boxes for solo performer. Flip a coin. If heads, take box B. If tails, take both boxes. To be performed with maximum amplification.”

The Nicolas Cage: “No, not the boxes! NOT THE BOXES! AAAHHHHH!! AHH, MY EYES, MY EYES!!”